What Marriage Is Not

A man wrote me recently. He complained bitterly
about his woman’s attitude of not giving him food
whenever the money for feeding hasn’t come from
him. In fact (according to him), whatever money
she makes is either kept in the bank or is used to
assist her folks while(only) whatever he makes is
used for the household’ welfare and God help him,
the very day he fails to ‘deliver,’ one thing is sure-

he will go to bed…hungry!
Such a ‘let down’ attitude from those that are
supposedly in a ‘life time journey’… wouldn’t you
say? Sadly, that is the reality in most marriages of
this age. Marriages with ‘agenda’!
Some women have a disturbing attitude towards
money issues in marriage. It is okay if the money
is coming from the man but once it has to come
from our purse…trouble brews. And it doesn’t
matter if we are paying that bill for just that one
time-because ‘he that has been shouldering the
responsibilities is unable to do so in the meantime.’
Sometimes, I wonder the stuff that our mothers
(who used to do all that and more without
breathing a word) are made of. I am unrepentant in
my views that ‘breadwinning’ is not the natural role
of a woman but we must also realize when a case
is not the ‘usual’ but a one off incident. If you have
the capacity to help out in the home front while
your man picks himself up…why not?
Let’s not make marriage what it is not!
Marriage is ‘oneness of spirit and purpose.’ Not
‘his/her own is ours but my own is mine,’ a fair
weather affair or an I, me and mine setting. It is
called a union because two individuals have
supposedly come together to begin living and
relating as one. A highly individualistic person
should have no business with marriage. If making
efforts to accommodate another as part of you or
‘sharing’ doesn’t come naturally to you, marriage is
a wrong place for you.
A few years into a marriage and the ‘babies’ are
not coming, the man is usually advised by
‘concerned’ friends and relatives to seek ‘solution.’
Right there and then, the vow of ‘for better for
worse’ is thrown out of the window as the man
embarks on all manner of backyard pursuits. This
(to me) is not what marriage is. Be careful what
advice you allow filter into your hearing. Your
challenges do not worry your spouse any less than
‘it’ eats you up. Therefore, whatever option that is
suggested to you and you have to explore it,
ensure it involves ‘carrying your partner along.’
Anything less is betrayal. Couples should learn to
stand by each other, seek solutions together and
carry each other along-every step of the way!
The reason why a marriage emerges stronger
where another packs up is in the attitude of those
involved. While some focus on standing by each
other and having each other’s back as they go
through challenging times, others have their focus
on the exit door. Nothing gives strength like having
that one person that is dearest to you stand by you
through trying times. Sometimes, it is not the
challenges that kill one’s spirit but the attitude of
those who should stand by him/her.
The ability to put one’s self in the shoes of another
is what I wish everyone imbibes-especially as they
go into marriage. That is the only way you can
rightly gauge how abandonment feels-where care
and support will do, how selfishness feels where
selflessness can turn things around and how
betrayal feels…where all you want is loyalty!



Written by Chukwuneta Obiageli